– Music blasphemy confessional: I don’t like “Riders on the Storm”.

: I’m at work, and it’s great to be here, because I don’t have a thing else in the world that I’d rather be doing right now.

– Why am I still angry over having paid to see “Young Einstein” at the theater?

: I am incapable of putting words to how tired I am. So, rather than try, I’m just going to bed. Facebook in the AM.

: My heart breaks a little when I see the economy is so bad that raccoons are forced to sleep on the roadside. Poor creatures!

found he can evade the 140-character limit on the new “Facebook Publisher” by using Facebook Toolbar, or the pop-up links at YouTube, etc.

has worked his final one-day weekend (for the foreseeable future), and is a paltry two hours away from emancipation.

In honor of our most esteemed Iowahawk

Writers — like athletes, musicians, and actors — have their idols.  We all have that one hero for whom we await each new work with the sense of urgency seen only in a Jack Russell terrier who has heard his master’s car pull into the driveway.  And when it arrives we leap, yelp with glee, and sometimes even experience a touch of incontinence.  For me, that hero is Iowahawk.

Very few people ever get to experience the joy of engaging in a longstanding correspondence with their idols.  I am one of those very few people who have been so blessed.  And, to put into perspective just how wonderful and cherished an opportunity it has been for me, you have to look at it from a writer’s angle.  Because, for the writer, each time the written word passes between him and the icon he strives so endlessly to emulate, it’s as though you’re getting a private performance.  For the sports fan, it would be akin to throwing batting practice pitches to Mickey Mantle — for the budding crooner, a duet with Sinatra.

So, it is with great pleasure, and in honor of Iowahawk Day, that I share these exerpts from my treasured collection of correspondence with our esteemed honoree.  I’m sure you will enjoy them as much as I have over the years.

10/07/99

Mr. Gilbert,

Thank you for the candy.  How did you get my home mailing address?

Sincerely,

Iowahawk

11/14/99

Mr. Gilbert,

Again, thank you for the candy.  Although, I feel compelled to point out to you that a single case of Charleston Chews would last any normal person a lifetime, so I’m not sure what to do with the other eleven.  Still, thanks all the same.

Sincerely,

Iowahawk

2/15/2000

Mr. Gilbert,

Although the offer to bunker down in your shelter is quite generous and kind of you, I feel that the passing of the New Year without incident is an indication that the Y2K threat may have been exaggerated.  And, yes, this is the real me.  Would you like a Charleston Chew?

Sincerely,

Iowahawk

3/18/2000

Mr. Gilbert,

Your manuscript was interesting.  I had no idea you were a writer as well.  A couple of pointers:  While I understand that your current living arrangements limit your access to certain writing instruments, charcoal doesn’t stand up to the elements well when shipped through the mail.  So, you may want to look into other media.  Also, nearly every publishing house I’ve ever dealt with prefers all material to be submitted on plain, white typing paper.  So, while I find him rather “dreamy” myself, I wouldn’t advise using your Shaun Cassidy stationery for future submissions.

Sincerely,

Iowahawk

6/18/2000

Mr. Gilbert,

I’m delighted to hear of your release.  Tell me, is there someone assigned to keep a watch over you in order to help you make the transition back to normal life?  If so, may I have contact information for that person?  I would very much like to keep track of your progress.  Please send ASAP.

Sincerely,

Iowahawk

9/24/2000

Mr. Gilbert,

I see you’ve developed a fondness for Gummi Worms of late.  Thank you for the gift.  Incidentally, I haven’t heard from your caretaker for several weeks, and have been unable to contact her.  I trust all is well with Ms. Briggs.  Please ask her to contact me at her nearest convenience.

I couldn’t help noticing the postmark on your latest letter, and suppose it’s no surprise to you that I grew up there.  Again, please have Ms. Briggs contact me at her nearest convenience.

Sincerely,

Iowahawk

8/6/2003

Mr. Gilbert,

It was certainly a surprise to hear from you again.  I must say, I’m impressed with your resourcefulness in tracking down old acquaintances.  Also, I truly regret all the nastiness that occurred in the wake of our last encounter.  However, such things are unavoidable when the courts get involved.  I’m sure you understand that as well as anyone.  It’s a shame Ms. Briggs felt she was unable to help you any further, and I hope she’s recovering nicely — although, I suppose we’ll never know.

Is there someone new?  Please tell me all about them.

Sincerely,

Iowahawk

7/6/2006

Mr. Gilbert,

Thank you for the photographs.  You must be doing very well for yourself to be able to afford such high quality photographic equipment.  I have to admit, I’m rather impressed with your ability to move about undetected by your subjects.  However, I hasten to point out that taking such photographs is frowned upon by law enforcement authorities in many jurisdictions — my home state of Illinois being one of them.

Just thought you should know.

Sincerely,

Iowahawk

4/25/2008

Mr. Gilbert,

I can’t tell you how gratified I am to know that you’re finally getting the help you need.  My family as well.  We will never forget your willingness to listen to the negotiators.  It’s good to see you haven’t lost your resourcefulness in tracking down old acquaintances.  Do they, by any chance, monitor your mail there?

P/S — I didn’t know they still made Pop-Rocks.  Thank you for the kind gift.

Sincerely,

Iowahawk

I hope you’ve enjoyed my correspondence with Iowahawk as much as I have over the years.  He is truly a great, great, great man.  And, I look forward to striking up another longterm friendship with him that will carry on through the years.  As I said, there really is nothing like being able to communicate directly with your heroes.  It’s a rare gift, indeed.  And, I would encourage anyone who has that one person to whom they look for inspiration to reach out to them.  You’ll be amazed at the rewards you’ll reap for your efforts.

: To understand how America got where it is today, consider that the government is currently in the hands of people who grew up listening to Joan Baez — on purpose!

: As the shadows grow longer, the winsome warble of the Cocktail Hour tickles the ear of its most devoted pursuer — Walt Gilbert.